How To Be Boring
Some people are just boring! You know the sort of people who are always focusing on the negatives? Or those who can’t wait to jump in with a story about themselves, no matter what the topic is? What about those who take 15 minutes to tell you something which could have been said in 5?
Do you worry that “some people” could be you? If so, read on!
Being boring comes from how we relate to others. One of the best uses for reading body language is to analyse how people are feeling during a conversation and then pivot based on this feedback. By being aware of how you come across and improving your communication skills, people are less likely to view you as boring. And doesn’t everyone want to appear charismatic and interesting?
Now I know people are shouting “you need to be you!”, “don’t change for others!”, but if you want to build fulfilling and meaningful relationships you must consider the other person’s needs. And by doing these things, they are more likely to relate to you better as well. It’s a win-win!
How to be boring
There are a huge number of communication issues that can cause people to consider you as boring. The following are just a selection which will give you an idea, and possibly some areas you can work on. Not all of these will cause people to think you are boring, some require regular repetition and some only apply to certain people.
- Regularly complain about personal problems
Complaining about personal problems after a major life event is expected. Complaining about something every time you speak, even when life is going reasonably well, is not.
- Only talk about superficial things
Talking about the weather is fine to start with, but there is more to life than small talk.
- Speak without emotion
No matter how interesting the subject matter, talking in a monotone with no sign of emotion will quickly bore your audience.
- Take too long to come to the point
In most stories it really doesn’t matter if it was your husband’s uncle’s wife who told you or whether you watch the new movie on Wednesday or Thursday. Get to the point!
- Talk incessantly about yourself
There is a good chance that you have led a very interesting life and want to share it with others, but give them a chance to tell their stories too. Even if it means you don’t get to tell a ripper of a story.
- Repeat the same stories
You may not even realise that you have told the person this story before, but if you tell the same stories over and over, it’s likely they’ve already heard it.
- Take everything seriously
Sometimes you need to leave the discussion about politics or the philosophical debate until another time. A bit of humour and light-heartedness can go a long way.
- Suck up
Giving compliments is a great way to get people to like you, spending all your time telling them how amazing you think they are isn’t.
- Be distracted
Putting aside any neurodivergent issues (such as ADHD) or being a parent, try and ensure the person you are with has your full attention. Having a conversation with someone who has their head in their phone isn’t much fun.
- Use jargon
Using jargon when talking to a friend who understands the technical terms is fine. Talking to your grandma about C++ programming using technical phrases is probably not.
How to tell you are being boring
How can you tell that you are boring a person? There are some obvious signs but remember that you must always establish baseline first. Also, remember one sign may not signal the person is bored but see three or more signs and you can be pretty sure your analysis is correct.
- Not mirroring posture
One way to tell if someone is interested in you is that they mirror your posture. They sit in a similar way or place their hands in the same position you have yours. If these signs are missing, there is a good chance they are not engaged in the conversation.
- Glazed eyes
Emotions, such as genuine happiness, can be seen in the eyes. If the eyes appear expressionless or unfocussed it is likely they aren’t paying attention to what you are saying.
- Body positioned away from you
People who are engaged with and interested in what you are saying will position their body towards you. Pro-tip: check their feet! People will often turn their body towards you to appear polite, but their feet may be telling another story.
- Slouching and fidgeting
People who are interested in what is happening are more likely to sit upright, even leaning forward when highly engaged. Slouching against a wall or in a chair signals that the person you are with is becoming bored. Fidgeting is another sign they are becoming distracted.
- Using lazy responses
“really?”, “is that right?”, “uh-huh” – Repeatedly using statements that don’t add anything to the conversation are a good sign they aren’t giving you their full attention. Bored brains tend to wander.
- No requests for clarification/further information
Following on from number 5, if they aren’t engaging with what you are saying by asking questions or seeking more information then it’s likely they aren’t really interested in what you have to say.
- Trying to change subject
Do they keep trying to change to a different topic, even though you haven’t finished regaling them with your latest story? It’s likely they aren’t interested or don’t really understand what you are talking about. Maybe give your discussion about high-frequency radios a break for today.
- Stifled yawn
Its possible their baby has had them up all night, but its also a good sign that you need to work a little harder at keeping them engaged.
What if you don't want to be boring?
You’ve identified that the conversation isn’t going well and you’re seeing signs that the other person is bored. What do you do now?
Pivot!
Just because you started telling them about your garden and you’ve only discussed the north-east and north-west corners, you don’t have to finish it. You have some options:
- You can acknowledge that you do tend to talk too much some topics and move on to another subject,
e.g. “sorry, I forget not everyone loves gardening as much as me. I also really love netball.”
- You can make a sudden change without acknowledging
e.g. “oh that passing car just reminded me about a story I saw on the news earlier”, or
- You can start asking them questions.
e.g. “I spend a lot of time in my garden, what sort of things do you do on your days off?”
By opening up the conversation you can allow the person to talk about their interests and re-engage in the conversation. This also allows you to learn new things, giving you a variety of interesting topics to talk about with other people.
But also remember, don’t always presume the worst. Their signs of boredom may not be related to you at all. Give the pivot a couple of goes and if they still aren’t interested then politely find a way to end the conversation. It’s possible that they are the boring one!
What about after?
Pivoting works well in the moment, but what can you do to reduce the chances of needing to pivot? Learning what we do that causes people to be bored is the first step, but there are others:
Become interesting: Some of the most interesting people are those who have a broad range of topics they are interested in. They may only have one or two that they know a lot about, but they know a little bit about a lot. Become this person by trying new hobbies, reading different books, watching different movie genres or viewing documentaries. Also, try and stay abreast of topical issues on a local, national or international level.
Focus on them: Not only on their interests but on the way they are experiencing the conversation. If you spend the whole conversation in your own head thinking that you are boring, or stupid or trying to think of what to say next, then you won’t come across as engaging. Consider what they are thinking and why. This will help you to stimulate them and ask engaging questions.
Practice gratitude: Start to find the positives in your life, no matter how small and focus on these. Be thankful that you managed to catch the bus, rather than focussing on the puddle you stood in while running to catch it. Here are some excellent resources on practising gratitude.
And finally, yes, be you! Every one of us is interesting and unique in our own way. Let people see the real you and watch your interactions improve almost immediately.